poetry that takes up space

6/15/22 04:21 pm
anxiety is just your NOSE
smelling the shit of the future!

 
there are not many tools that can't also be wielded as a weapon
people wonder why people are so depressed and anxious
well duh, psychology being used against us
by gaslighters, advertisers, the media, and app makers
puts our whole world in a new sheen of tragic
that no one throughout the rest of history had to endure


in war
you take up space when you move
in late stage capitalism
you do so when you rest


autistics employ stemming, not meditation
to stave off rumination
(which is frowned upon by wider society)

 
OF COURSE suffering produces living in your head
because all that stuff has no where else to go
(the people accusing of us "ruminating"
would like the alternative a lot less
if we SPOKE what was on our minds)
[people live in their head
when there is no where else
left for them to live]

 
it's good to know where you stand with regards to privilege
because a lot of times it's a binary
the system works
or work the system

 
Love is like the moon
There is a light side everybody sees
And a dark side only you do
(pain of unnecessary death)


kindness is having the power to treat someone like shit
but refraining to do it
 

when you are far from privilege
rewards for virtue are halved
and punishments for vice are doubled


people are objects that are humanified
not humans that are objectified


i have to ask
why doesn't exposure therapy work 
for experiencing disability based prejudice


 
stars are an inch away
or thousands of light years away
just depends on whether you add another dimension
just like the marginalized can be a foot away in physical space
but are light years away
in social space


(being included in society)
everybody thinks about the party
it's just that the people who aren't invited
think about how they haven't been invited
instead of the party itself
(both parties' minds are trained
on meaningful participation in society)
 
 
(why people don't confide in me)
in conversation
the value of things said
matches
the value of the person


(experience of God)
Love in times of duress is not something you should have to work for
If you were a lover when your beloved was doing bad you wouldn't say,
"you have to put in work to feel my presence".

 
if God is keyed to an omnipotent omnibenevolent supernatural being
that is supposedly acting so on earth as we speak
the evidence says we don't have that at all
if God is keyed to goodness
the evidence says that's all we really have
 
 
the triad that will destroy you
physical pain
mental illness
and hopelessness
(you still exist in this
but your life has long since been over)
 
 
i know this much
if God loves you the devil loves you
and if God hates you the devil hates you
 

some men you can break with one hard blow
while others you can break with a thousand tiny taps
those doing the breaking are crafty enough
to know which to use on who
 
 
love is the easiest hard thing
an hate is the hardest easy thing

 
It's more emotionally rending when you did all the right things
and still failed


i wish i were a stick of dynamite
 when you burned me i'd explode
 

when faced with something serious
people say "you're gonna make it through this"
but that might not be all the way true
because depending on how bad it is
a part of you may not make it

  • Mood contemplative
  • Music Starflyer 59 - My Island

no bets

3/29/22 09:15 pm
discretion advised: foul language


no bets 
are better than bad bets
which means often
you come out ahead by never playing
(everyone would rather you not know this)


status
is what makes me and you us

 
in late stage capitalism
a capital offense
is needing more self care
 
 
everyone who has something different about them
gets treated the same,
like SHIT!


i'm too different to be treated like everybody else
i was born blind
i was in a war zone at age 9
i was in a mental hospital completely psychotic at age 24
my inner monologue ground to an utter halt later that year (though not permenently)
the voice of God told me to kill myself (which i didn't listen to)
my remaining 17 years I've spent failing to get jobs from interviews
because of a visual impairment visible physical disability
 

if you have a visible disability
the only way you get a job is personal connections or placement
anything else is a fucking waste of your time
(trust me I know after 17 years of never getting a job from an interview)

 
people will lie to you about depression
saying it draws sufferers together like army buddies
but in reality it's billions in their own little hells
even when they're pointed toward each other
they're pointed away
because you can't connect
when what the part of you to connect by
is missing


modern psychology is not kind enough to kill you
they would rather deliberately create a world
that makes you want to kill yourself

 
first the devil came for the pleasurableness of righteousness
then he came for the pleasurableness of sin

 
the further people were from privilege
the more they liked working from home
because (and I should know because I am one)
they get treated like garbage in real life
 
 
Christians like to be no less than ten feet away
from those of us who don't emotionally heal
because their worst nightmare
is a living incarnation of their narrative
backfiring


it's funny how when you say God is dead
you offend all kinds of people
but when you behave like it's true
it is seen as acting normal

 
i find meaning in attachment
(particularly attachment to people)
and meaning is what enables me to weather what i suffer mentally
so telling me to detach 
is the least helpful thing


in a person it's worse for them to be dead than sleeping
with God it's the reverse

 
some things are such a torment
that the torment of steeling yourself for it
is torment in and of itself
 
 
the manosphere says to double down on beliefs that are true but unhealthy
at the expense of beliefs that are false but healthy
(a man is just an appliance and is paid no mind
unless he breaks down in which case he is disposed of and replaced)

 
the gospel is fresh water
to those who are being redeemed
and salt water
to those who are perishing

 
people will never tell you modern psychology is the most powerful force in the world
but they'll show it every time they gaslight you!


    they'll eat your affect
   they'll let out to every sheep pen 
    pissing secrets that will get you treated you like shit
  dealing with gods
 is like dealing with male men,
these men
 whose head 
  looks like a penis,
   (their second dick does the work of their first one)
 

war is hell
it is conceived there
it is born there
it goes through puberty there
and then it bursts on earth
and sends more than its fair share
back there
and the head the bloodshed was conceived in
joins the body down there
grilled 
but we just see the smoke of its torment


you can hammer a person into any shape you want
but after enough of this happens
they'll fucking BREAK!

 
the worst tragedy isn't dying young
it is living to old age
with most of yourself dead

  • Mood depressed
  • Music Starflyer 59 - Slow
Tags:

a dock

1/17/22 07:13 pm
capitalism doesn't value things in people
that make the world a better place
like kindness and empathy
because capitalism rewards winning above all else
and relies on supply and demand
to ascertain value
(but price doesn't reflect something's value
just what something is valued)

 
the grass is greener on the other side of the fence
because it's radioactive


envy is the sin most attuned to realty
those nice houses, nice cars, amazing vacations
good jobs, happy marriages, intact families, nearness to God
being able to talk to people
without them going into reduced functionality mode!

 
if you look around and don't see the devil anywhere
that could be because he is on top of your head


man is made for God
even as he's found to not be real
like a GPS
that leads you off a dock

 
the internet is an accelerant
if you come to it having hope, discipline, and curiosity
it's going to aid in building your life
if you come to it having despair, ADHD, and an addictive personality
it's going to eat you alive

 
the Bible is like a pot
it can be used to prepare nourishment
and it can be bludgeoned as a weapon
(the way it's used in the public square
informs which purpose it is seen as serving)
 

in the 20th century
when you told the truth you got the gas chambers
in the 21st
you get gaslit

 
modern psychology telling people to stop negative thoughts
and give everyone the benefit of the doubt
is like putting duct tape
over the warning lights 
on the car's dashboard
or trying to put out a fire
by vacuuming up all the smoke
(negative thoughts are often wise, accurate, and empowering
and suppressing them is only good in the short term
at the expense of the long term)
 

addictions are often just meeting needs in people's lives
in a way society refuses to sanction
where people can be real
(if it is only online they are going to be internet addicted)
where they can get platonic touch or the sensation of what it feels like
(if they can only find it in opiates that's where they're going to go)
 

modern psychology
is predicated on man having innate worth
just as science
is predicated on the law of non contradiction
 
 
"independence" is red herring
what it really means is ways of dependence
sanctioned by late stage capitalism
(dependence just means people won't enter your life
on their own free will)
["independence" is like having ropes to grab
wherever you want to climb
while dependence is clinging on the only available
single rope for dear life]
 
 
COVID season for almost two years
is goring the bull
getting the actual illness—
putting him in the ring
(COVID times attack each one of us
where we are weakest
just like the virus itself)


some people make bad choices
because all they have are bad options to choose between
(equivocating is what people who have bad options
do because they know they're fucked either way!!!)
 
 
before calling someone lazy
ask whether you would spot them some of your social capital
to hook them up with a job
 

my brain is mush
whatever you want it to do
it's not going to do
¡abuse and gaslight away!
 
 
people on the spectrum
mix up God and love
and when not seeing any of the latter
don't cave to the social pressure
to believe in the former
(when God is only accessible through goodness
it puts a quick end to most religious people's pitches)

 
count the blessings you don't realize you have
you don't know how tomorrow will be worse
(you don't experience the ways tomorrow will be worse)
 
 
modern psychology is like "focus on the here and now"
except when it demands us to believe our future to be a hopeful one


cutting things out of your life when you have zero power
is like cutting plumbing
abuse just GUSHES out!


religiosity is a flare gun with a single shot
being brought up religious, especially if you fall away
means you've already used up your shot eons ago
 

it turns out extremis is truth serum
so if you want to get the truth out of someone
just fuck with them so much
that they end up breaking
(ever wonder why people only speak hard truths
in anger??)

 
everybody makes mistakes
but when you are far from privilege
they count against you more
 
 
the labor shortage is a myth
if you have a disability
it's a labor tallage
because the jobs are there
just out of your reach
(the way entry level job descriptions
are written to require charisma
or the ability to lift 50 pounds
to eliminate people on the spectrum
or those with physical impairments)
 
 
people who say God is "near" those at the margins
are just projecting 
on to weak helpless people
their narrative
designed to virtue signal
 

modern society
leaves people in such a sorry state
that when they stop and think
they get depressed
(thinking is branded rumination by psychologists
and summarily discouraged)


we need to stop penalizing people
who deny us their trust
because this shows they respect themself
more than us
as they should


just as i can't be in two places at the same time
i can't take things one day at a time
while steeling myself for the weeks and months to come


just because man made God
doesn't mean man can make himself God
 

perdition
could just mean being thrown into your head
to stew in your own juices
for eternity
 

i don't love God
but i hate the vacuum left in his absence


in the end
a suicide note 
is often just an invoice
tallying all the times
you've been treated like shit

  • Mood anxious
  • Music 16 Horsepower - Low Estate

the old poems of mine that i've lived with

12/31/21 10:17 pm
some people whose brains end up all over the wall
just had trouble fitting a whole church in their brain

where God is once,
the devil is twice

we love smartphones more than people
because when one gets down to zero energy
we look for a charger for it
while a person that does this we treat like shit

the gospel is like fresh water
for the elect
and salt water
for the non

i hate my life
the next life was like "hold my beer"

if you cut people you disagree with out of your life
that means your belief system probably
can't weather scrutiny

negative systems
are radioactive decay of yourself
into nothing

disability is the ring of power
that makes you invisible to good people

there's more love on earth than there is in heaven
because love is borne out of pain

laugh at death while you still can
because some day, sooner than you think
it will strike near you so hard
that afterword you will only speak of it
in hushed tones

we are only on of three paths
hope, dope, or rope
  • Mood depressed
  • Music U2 - The Sweetest Thing

matters of the (breaking/numb) heart

11/28/21 09:51 pm
play your happy year playlists
because as bad as this year has been
it could be your best of the ones left

 
i'm off their map
because trials like fear of losing my vision after a surgery
and tinnitus drowning out peace and quiet
just made me emotionally numb
people say being in touch with my emotions is the road to healing
but they're out to lunch
and i do better without them
 
 
trust is more correctly described
as anti-distrust
you are expecting goodness at the other end
like putting your foot straight forward
because you're past the bottom stair
 

ever since Trump took power
it's been open season 
on individuals with disabilities
(as well as other marginalized groups)

 
the less normal you are
the more your life is a shitstorm zero sum game
you can either have the shitstorm inside of you
for suppressing your true self to accommodate society
or have the shitstorm all around you
the blowback living your authentic self produces
(when you have a disability
 your authentic self is exposed and forced upon the world
  [and the consummate blowback])

 
when you need to learn before you become old
people will hate you for loving yourself
they'll hate you for speaking up
they'll hate you for calling out abuse
they'll hate you for setting and enforcing boundaries
because their control of you
was predicated on your self hatred
 

when you're half regenerate
when the body and blood won't take you
when you've made trouble on both poles
and no friend of either angel or devil
(there's a reason people say you need
to open your heart to find God
and not your brain)


weak women like strong men
strong women revile weak men

 
take someone's charisma and affect away
and you pull them up by the roots
 that were connecting them to God

 
science and religion are like dogs and cats
just because they can peacefully coexist doesn't mean they often do
 
 
most of the things in life that satisfy
like dignified work and good relationships
require social capital
which is shorthand for saying
the less privilege and money you have
the less likely you are to have these things
and thus be satisfied
 
 
understand this about the younger generation:
community has been decoupled from place
sex has been decoupled from love
and trust has been decoupled from deference
 
 
the garbage and recycling go to the same place
all the souls, thrown into the fire
we beg and beg in this life
that the next won't be worse
but what we find when we get to the next one
is a culmination, not a calm

 
strange COVID psy
survivor's guilt
for being able to smell
every day being like a Star Trek episode
where something life and death happens
based on your actions
(spreading COVID to someone vulnerable)
 
 
the less sex you have
the less sex you want
the less affect you have
the less affect you want


what people don't realize about courage
is you need to count the cost
when you stand up for what's right
the wrong things happen to you
(like the guy who worked at a Christian radio station
and mentioned people need to get vaccines
and promptly got canned)

 
(Carin, Jesus)
remember
 the person is a tiny capsule
 sitting on top of the 100 metric ton rocket
  which is the myth
 
 
a microaggression from a supervisor
is code for
"this position is not going to go anywhere"
 
 
(you want all the trophies on your Instagram feed!)
the more moving parts a goal has
the more it's just an attempt to bend the universe to your whims
(the universe doesn't work like that
especially if you are far from privilege)

 
perhaps the thing i hate the most about Christianity
is the spy mentality
where if things go well we'll support you
but if they don't
we'll disavow any knowledge of your existence
 
 
the people who say "focus on what you can control"
don't realize most of life (particularly for those on the margins)
involves navigating the fallout of being subjugated 
to people and systems we can't control

 
(anti vaxxers)
hi!  i'm death
i'm somebody that gets even happier
when i'm not necessary
 
 
stench always follows death
be it gods or people

 
i might catch yawning from you
but rarely, if ever
crying
 
  • Mood numb
  • Music R.E.M. - New Adventures in Hi-Fi

he took his angry pills today!

11/9/21 09:03 pm
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
what kind of drink can wash down this lump in my throat
because i can't even cry
----------------------------------------------------------------------------


my eyes are like hot tamales
they burn like heck
and when i was young
they burned down the chance
of me ever living on my own


beliefs are like food
the ones that are the worst for you
are the most delectable
(truth often tastes as bad
as it is good for you)

 
the mind whispers "there is no god"
and the soul tries whispering back
but they've been given a gag order

 
some of the worst things in life
aren't out to hurt you
they're out to worm their way into your head
to get your mind to bludgeon you with
(that's why the people who throw shade
often hurt you more
than the people who throw punches
even though the legal system looks at the latter
with more concern)


(inside my body screams "God is dead!!!!!" -
louder than my vocal chords ever could)
my life story in and of itself is an epitaph
though some how still alive (or am i?)
i gave myself to search of God
at an institution for six years
but at the end of it worn down by eye pain
all a saw were demons
(and the commensurate drinking piss
and licking shit)
 

people are lying to you 100% of the time they talk to you
except in their swan song when cutting you off
there they're lying to you only 50% of the time


i'm going to STAND UP FOR MYSELF
and SIT WITH your discomfort
for me doing so

 
Jesus cared about people more than ideas
but the religious people who own him
care more about ideas than people
 
 
those in power care only about power
in America disbelief in God is empowering 
so it's frowned upon
in China belief in God is empowering
so it's frowned upon


soul force is very weak in this life
will it be stronger in the next?


having a job you fucking hate
that doesn't pay a living wage
gives you double the life hating impact
because you often have live in a less than ideal
or even abusive living situation
 
 
now i understand why close friends cut me off
for not having a job
because i'm green with envy
of the those without jobs


suffering
smooths your edges 
like a stone eroded by the water
your are softer to the touch
even as you become less useful
as a tool
 
 
marriages are born at the altar
but die at the kitchen sink

 
you can either put your mental health first
by daring self care
or your brain will put it first for you
via a psychotic break or suicide attempt


God is a they
but the devil is definitely a he


some wounds heal
some wounds scar
while others just cauterize
 
  
a soul is buoyant
when it is held under water
its host can't cry
but when the soul escapes and shoots up to the surface in moments of catharsis
(often in the happier moments of connection
that rise above the baseline of dull, numbed sadness)
tears flow

  • Mood angry
  • Music Scott Joplin - Piano Music Vol. 1

restive rest

10/26/21 11:16 am
it comes as a surprise to no one
that abusers like to constrict the definition of what constitutes abuse

 
when rest is restive
when self care is subversive
you know late stage capitalism's poison
has reached the core of our being


when Christians decide which sins to punish
they almost always punch down
that's why LGBTQA+ people bear the brunt of their hate
but not greedy people


the things that blur our individuality
society amplifies our aversion to doing
like cooking, cleaning, and doing things
without expecting anything in return
 

the difference between something that is false
and something that is true
is the former takes a lot more mental energy to believe
but the emotional pain is often not felt until the back end
 
 
so people putting their mental health first
and not putting up with abusive work environments
is considered controversial
(you know society is fucked up
when asking to be treated with basic human dignity
is seen as having a sense of entitlement)


comorbidity is a product, not a sum
your physical and mental health
if it is one or the other
you can lean more heavily
on the part of you that is whole
where if they're both hit
you can't

 
abuse is multiply by zero
for most of modern psychology's tropes like boundary setting
and divide by zero
for producing any personality with enough affect to attract relationships
 
 
Evangelical Christians
have figured out how to clone God
each one of him
for each one of them
(that's why we're getting Trump in 2024)
 
 
i wish there were something akin to garbage collection
for trauma dumping
because let's be honest there is so much of it
and focusing on breathing is of limited help
to a lot of us


the first thing that pops out to a man
when he is reading a holy book
is what was in his blood already
(passages on Joshua 
getting him gunning to fight)
 
 
anger is like an odometer
that increases and increases
until it flips
to not giving a fuck


love wins
love wins back affect
love wins back discipline
love wins back relationships

 
the only thing that is supernatural
is love that gives and expects nothing in return


my eternal destiny
is like the jeans lying on the floor
not clean enough to be put in the drawer
and not dirty enough to be put in the hamper
(if there is no purgatory
i will end up in hell)
  • Music Nicolas Gombert Magnificat

loss

9/20/21 08:16 pm
when following anti vax liars to your death or disability
freedom is free-dumb


every drug that is abused
is doing its job well
too well, in fact

 
a relationship is like an antidepressant
it makes you happy at first but wears off

 
(the consolation of religion)
a good lie
is better than bad truth
but a bad brain
cannot hold a good lie
 
 
Christians
when you judge me 
you use your faculties of logical and critical thinking
try using those in the rest of your endeavors

 
for virtue to be beneficial
those you interact with have to be in on it
but for vice to
none do
 

even a bad father keeps a son more in line
than no father
 
 
being "normal" is the hardest thing according to my little sister
because you're putting on the ruse of individuality
while attempting to conform to an ever shifting set of norms
being handed down by amorphous authority
(and they wonder why some people pine for religion
where the rules were cut and dried)


 
just remember this about old friends
if you are in such a sorry state
that they have to choose between happiness
and keeping you in their life
they're going to choose happiness
 
 
some of the things you lose in middle age are priceless
like the ability to trust people
the ability to believe things are going to get better
and the belief that mankind is basically good
(expect the young to revile you for these losses
because losing things that are priceless
is almost always costly)


bipolar 1
 is like riding an iceberg away from one of the poles
 negative symptoms are the heat and the ocean
 eating away at the edges of yourself
 until finally it comes for the center
 what floated you is all gone
 so you drown


all a lot of abuse really is
is punishment for being disabled
 
 
what is cool?
cool is bitter cold
for those who, for whatever reason,
don't have the capacity to be manage cool
(we either freeze or fry)


 
i get attacked by small devils
but they seem big to me
i'm closer to the penny slots
than the table in the back
where the big bets go down
(the arteries near the heart are what everybody focuses on
but the capillaries are the most numerous
and go the last mile)


 
love is something only found on earth
because it is so often borne out of pain
in heaven there is no pain so there can be no love
in hell all there is is pain so there can be no love
 
 
i am offended by God's nonexistence
because so much of religion's prohibitions and exhortations
while not making people happy
did make life worth living

 
there are "buy now pay later beliefs"
like giving everyone the benefit of the doubt
in ambiguous situations
(this gives you a boost of happiness in the moment
at the expense of later)

 
religion long ago passed the duty of getting the slaves to row
to modern psychology
but is more than happy to take the flak to cover for the latter


truth doesn't disappear simply because you stop believing in it
the same way a fatal fall from a 17 story building
doesn't give a shit whether or not you believed in gravity


you can buy a lie
but not the ability to believe said lie,
that is priceless
 
 
"belief in God"'s morbidity
is worse than its death

 
i'm not a fan of the term rock bottom
because i know
for me there has always been lower to go
 
  • Mood energetic
  • Music Monkey Robot War -
Tags:

never never ends

8/30/21 09:46 pm
 
people are drawn to ketamine
because they constantly experience low grade depression
and they're drawn to Xanax
because they constantly experience low grade anxiety
(of course we don't praise people 
for using what helps them
that would be too easy in this fucked up world
a miserable polity being its greatest aim)
 
 
when you treat people on the margins like shit
you are acknowledging you are really a kinetic atheist
because if you weren't
you'd believe God would fight back on their behalf
(the good people pretend God exists
the evil people know that he doesn't)
 
 
if God springs from charisma
and a lot of people on the spectrum are void of it
maybe that somewhat explains 
why a lot of them don't find God
 
 
the question of the existence of God
is "do I look fat?"
it brings more peace to live the lie
than broach the truth
 
 
a trauma might only happen once
but that doesn't prevent it 
from continuing to happen
many many many times in your brain
 
 
modern psychology pathologizes kindness
framing people who are kind as either codependent
or looking for something in return
(and then they wonder why everyone is out for themselves)
  
 
women are at their most vulnerable when they're naked
men are at their most vulnerable when they are at a job interview
 
 
when you see someone not connected to reality
observe
whether reality is making any kind of an effort
to connect to them
 
 
unlike a physical muscle
an emotional one can help you stand up
even when numb
 
 
expect people to applaud you
for taking care of your mental health
unless you commit a sin
against late stage capitalism

 
draining a man of fight
is like draining a car of oil
(he's not going anywhere!)

 
my past self, my present self, and future self
rarely agree on whether a decision was right

 
remember whenever you lionize cutting people off
for any or no reason
you are writing out a ticket to loneliness
because people now are less likely to invest in relationships
when they know the plug could be pulled at any time
for any or no reason


i'm going ot make my concession stand!
i'll do anything
say anything
buy anything
be anything
believe anything
anything, anything, anything
to get her back!

 
she'll never talk to me again!
(when does never end?
never never ends!)
  • Mood lazy
  • Music Plone - Puzzlewood

poems far away from home

8/23/21 09:59 pm
when people go into reduced functionality mode around you
they flip the script
and accuse you of having schizoid personality disorder!
(somehow you are culpable for your flat affect)


benzos, ADD medications, and SSRI antidepressants
are the medications that allow one to remain productive 
under heavy mental load
and also happen to be the ones least prescribed
at the indigent clinic
(and they wonder why people on the bottom with mental illnesses
stay there)

 
the first dimension is physicality
the second dimension is morality
the third dimension is sanity
 
 
if your justification for reality is so flimsy
that you have to shove pills down someone's throat
to get them to believe it
you don't have much of a leg to stand on

 
people don't lionize vulnerability when it comes to software
and my experience being burned
tells me they shouldn't when it comes to people either


 
if God truly were near to those on the margins
they would actually get rides to church!


 
people insecure about the size of their dick
revile weak men
while people insecure about the soundness of reality
revile those of us with mental illnesses
 
 
when a baby boy cries
and a grown man cries
they both get attention
it's just the kind that differs
 
 
 
i get 4 days worth of mental energy to stretch over a 7 day week
like a cheap cell phone plan that gets 2 gigs of high speed data
and after that everything slows to an unusable crawl
(when I run out of mental energy
i can't do anything creative
and exhibit enough flat affect to put everybody off)
 
 
 
i think this goes without saying but
to have an an economic system
dictate my worth as a human being
is absolutely beyond the pale
(but it's where we are now)


 
as you age your world contracts

 
people don't see the devil
because they're expecting something big
but find something small
 
  • Mood lethargic

mouth

7/26/21 09:43 pm
sometimes courage just means putting your head in the lion's mouth
all who do this are courageous
but some of them are eaten
 
 
 
when you make your journey to the underworld
a piece of you remains there
(my psychotic break)
 

God is gravity
dispense with him
and you will have to find which direction "up" is
 
 
the older generation was lonely
the younger generation is so much so
that they lack the vocabulary to even describe it
 
 
envy piggybacks on other sins!
because you get so jealous
of the lifestyles their sins afford them!
 
 
ever since Nietzsche 
servanthood has been conflated with servitude
and ever since Regan
a person's worth has been pegged to their appearance
 
 
i only knew God when i didn't know i didn't know him
when i was six climbing tall pines i had no internal concept of God
and did not need one or have it occupy my head
i just communed with nature and played with my siblings
once i knew i didn't know God things changed
(the "age of accountability" for me was just
when i failed to build an image of God in my head that helped me function)
the only time I "found God" in my adult life was when i was psychotic manic
after my psychotic break i was left with the pieces
deciphering things that felt so real 
but now these things had to be split into what i was told wasn't real
(delusions about the color orange)
and what i was told was real
(religion)
but just as i couldn't feel the difference between the two in mania
i couldn't in depression either
so i lost my faith
 
 
while religions ply their reciprocal damning
we are our brother, our sister, our mother
the delusionary delineation of self and other
will be the thing that goes to perdition in the end
 
  • Music Luke Brindley - Our Year

the room

7/22/21 09:01 pm
the room doesn't lie
you can tell people's opinion of you by taking it in the aggregate
(but CBT - complete bullshit transfer will force you to discard this information)


stress accrues
"take it one day at a time" is bullshit
(almost every week by Friday I'm fried)
 

you have to be totally atomized
"to change the story"
of your life from a contamination narrative
to a redemptive one
(because then you don't take into account
all the people dropping out of your life
not coming in
and treating you like shit
in your assessment)


ever wonder why most people championing individualism are of privilege?
it's because the smooth waters their privilege affords them
gives them the illusion that they did it all on their own
(funny how the more the system works for you
the less you feel dependent upon it)
 
 
sometimes the word itself answers the question of its definition
when you are forgiven
that meant you made the other party give in

 
a man is like a computer
if he doesn't do what he is programmed to
he gets thrown away


part of me is on a life bar that doesn't replenish
 
 
(since COVID)
too little
has been too much for me
  • Mood drained
  • Music The Verve - A Storm in Heaven

things I miss about Christianity

7/18/21 09:02 pm
I have not professed Christianity in a long time and have not taken communion since September of 2006.  I still believe in God but am closer to agnostic than anything else.   Some of the things I do miss.

Knowing up from down.  I know this sounds stupid to modern minds but it's nice to have a simple system that delineates right and wrong that is laid out explicitly.  As someone who is neurodivergent systems that are presented out in the open that can be obeyed relatively easily are welcome.  A lot of what I am is sin so in that way the system is bad for me but it's nice to know hard and fast where you are.  Modern society is fragmented and balkanized and every group seems to have its own moral system.  I'm drifting to the right as I age and that means drifting away from the young people I hung out with.

Being attuned to the world in a way that goes beyond the media.  One of the best things about going to a Christian school was hearing the reports from missionary kids on their home country.  A lot of times this information was unvarnished and gave you a better picture of things than a journalist with an axe to grind could.  Christianity transcends national borders even as in the U.S. it has been heavily Americanized.  And it's hard to believe in American but Christians do get persecuted in other parts of the world.

Imperative to virtue.  Every atheist will tell you that you can be good without God/religion.  Yes you can but it takes work and you might want to devote yourself to things that bring about better payoff than virtue.  I have even heard people make fun of religious people for trying to be virtuous.  I don't know why you would do that.

The way prayer connects you to things and people.  I still have vestigial things from Christianity where I pray more and perform some practice.  I think practice changes you for the better even as it may not do anything external.

Ritual.  As I have gotten older I have pined for the rituals from my childhood.  The songs my Christian parents would sing before bed time.  I wanted my mom to sing them at our lake house vacation but she wouldn't because some of our family is non Christian.  Ritual is important in stabilizing a world wracked with change.  Change is celebrated but often change is just a euphemism for decay.  The internet was a better place in 2003 or 2010 than it is now.  I was there so I know.

Hope. I do not believe the world to be benevolently rigged.  But it is something that would be life-giving to believe if it were a belief you could actually hold on to.  I don't believe in the supernatural so I don't have any hope of a better afterlife.  I am the demographic of the original founders of Christianity (the poor) so for me it would be a lot better to believe.




  • Mood listless
  • Music Smashing Pumpkins - MCIS

being part of the furniture

7/10/21 09:54 pm
winners are part of the conversation when they're in the room
losers are part of the conversation when they're not in the room


emotions are bookmarks for memories
that's why I rarely remember anything
that transpires outside of some emotional state
shame bookmarks the things I get wrong
(like chewing out a kid when they stared at my thick glasses
on the way back from Costa Rica)


people say unbanked like it's society's fault
but unchurched like it's those people's fault

 
identity
the tallest capital I
combining all the small i's
we have made a pact
that when you attack one of us
you're attacking all of us
(attacks on LGBT identity)

 
watching a kid being hit
 knowing the trauma is just budding now
  and is going to bloom later
 suicide attempts, depression, isolation, psychosis
  (the bean counters in the shadows fulminating
 because this person is on the dole for their mental illness)
 
 
 
forcing gratitude
 is like forcing craps
  if there is nothing there
   it's counter productive


 
 internet addiction: turns out authenticity is addicting!
 benzo addiction: turns out peace is addicting!
 religious addiction: turns out some people need to climb invisible steps!


 a servant's heart
 in a world that is atomized
 is a severed heart

 
you can tell who is worth talking to
because those are the people Satan is nice to
(the people Satan's hatin' 
are usually also scorned by God's people)
 
 
i'm grateful today isn't yesterday
and i'm grateful today isn't tomorrow

 
i didn't "lose hope"
you took it with you when you cut me off!
 

  • Music Woven Hand - Last Fist

scales raise in my eyes

6/25/21 09:45 pm
punishment and abuse is like putting rocks on a balance scale
the other side (connection to reality) goes further and further up

  
the older generation understood
that the idea you had innate worth
was just something people said to virtue signal
but the younger generation has taken it as fact
and stood up for themself when put in abusive situations
where their worth was not being recognized
(just look at all the rage quitting
jobs with toxic environments!)

 
sex is no longer a big deal for the younger generation
because they channel their intimacy through other means
(often online in places where they relate)
 
 
plastic
graces most of real life interaction
as well as the oceans
but online you find people who hurt the same way you do
and every meme or paragraph is a shot of dopamine
RELATE!
(and they wonder why people are zombies in real life
while being glued to their phones)


 
people who never lived in poverty
crow about the best things in life being free
in reality the best things in life often come from having social capital
which is by no means free
it just can't be bought with currency directly
but it is obtained by having stable successful people in your life
 

there is a part of yourself you surrender
when you sue for peace
until people realize this
they'll never have a realistic view
of peace building
(peace literally takes a piece of you)

 

peace is framed as righteousness
for those who win
but for those of us who lose and are subdued
it's just despair
(which is sin)

 
despair is the sin of the receding lake 
that dries up and uncovers all the other ones
(listen to Eminem's first album)
 
 
despair makes you strangely ambulatory
because you can jump from sin to sin
blasphemy to blasphemy
and seeing everything from the bottom without any artifice
humans, gods, and devils are direct with you
because they know you can't fight back
and your reports on their behavior won't be believed
 
 
 
the grave tugs at you harder and harder
the closer you get to it
  • Mood drained
  • Music Liz Phair - Exile in Guyville

brand spankin' new poetry

6/12/21 09:41 pm
a tiny part of you periodically shifts into dreams while awake
just a tiny part of you periodically shifts into the hereafter while still alive
(paradise or perdition)
 

Disney lied, relationships don't last forever
when you've replaced most of the cells in your body
you've also replaced most of the people in your life
 
 
religious people say sin produces death
in the case of despair
literally


it's like Jenga
take God away take God away take God away
you're building taller and taller
until...
 
 
i'm going to live a life of failing and scrolling
if i don't get a dopamine hit off of it
i don't do it
 
 
a fool doesn't say "there is no god"
a true fool pantomimes the fact with their very being
that's why people who sincerely try but don't "find God" and are scorned by both sides
and who break the test case of everything God is supposed to be and do
are shut up and shot down everywhere
 
 
when someone wants you do to something
instead of just saying "I want you to do this"
they say, "this will help your depression"
(i'm sure the leaves and stems diet will leave me a happy man,
just know they will move the stakes on the time it takes)
 
 
exercise does boost mood
it's a multiplier of either a good
or bad one
 
 
when a phone gets drained down to 0% energy
we look for a charger for it
but when a person gets drained down to 0% energy
we often treat them like shit
and accuse them of being lazy
(I think this shows we really value phones more than people)
  • Mood depressed
  • Music Low - Secret Name
Tags:

mostly old poems from decades ago

6/7/21 09:22 pm
every label you give someone
is a piece of their death
you may not have actively killed them
but they're dead to you


When I work, I daydream
When I play, I forget
But when I think
I get depressed
 
 
Some bait the line of destruction with dope
Others bait the line of destruction with hope


most of the world
only goes on inside your mind
 
 
former friends of old
as for them
they are in the only place they can be anymore
in my memory
 

if a vase is broken
you may have to pay full price
but if faith is broken
you will pay orders of magnitude more
 
 
I know everybody just well enough
To know if I could get to know them
 
 
the truth is in the prerequisites
by the time you perceive anything
it's already been passed through dozens of them


i am like a canary
because i am weak
and when i am destroyed
it will serve as a warning to the strong


many people my age are trying to find someone
to spend the rest of their lives with
But I really feel lucky
When someone consensually spends 15 minutes with me


A relationship is like a bar of Coast soap
It's sweet smelling and hard to hold on to
And instead of melting away to nothing
It breaks up into useless pieces

 
The shallow things in life recur like clockwork
the deep things in life are arbitrary


My mind works like a Ferris wheel
The cars of life perpetually revolve
And rock on the bars of indifference
Which connect to the spokes of self-interest
And the center slowly turns
The lights deceive even the closest
To believe that it's all merry
  • Mood drained
Tags:

saved

5/21/21 11:15 am
greater damnation is saved
for those who find their faith but then lose it
just as greater emotional turmoil
is saved for those who find their tribe but then lose it
 
 
as a man
dating is like buying a life insurance policy
the older you are the more money you need
 
 
i think i am so polarized 
because i usually only remember things people say
that i agree with
 
 
the ancients were stupid
in a way that we are smart
and smart
in a way that we are stupid
 
 
accomplishing things through God's power
is just doing so through those in power's power
the miss in submissive
is misery
  • Music Jackson Brown - Barricades of Heaven

anti meditations on hope

5/16/21 09:22 pm
the fact that you have to believe in woo to have any hope
is right up there with income inequality
as a sad problem of our time

 
the same people who steal our hope
are the ones that want us to be hopeful
they feel the hope we used to have
but are so narcissistic they think we must still feel it too

 
hope is like a TV
you can't turn it on
when you don't have any power


hope is not something you can just hold on to and let go and then hold on to again
when you let it go, it floats away
(that's why people often treat you so badly when you've lost hope!)
(it's the difference between the way people treat you when you have an injury that will heal
verses disability which won't)

 
false hope is worse than no hope
just as a cancer cell
is worse than a dead cell

 
goodness and hope are conjoined twins
when ones dies, so does the other


hopelessness is more contagious
than hope 
just as disease is more contagious
than health
 

despair with evidence that is getting in your face
will almost always defeat hope that requires faith

 
there is a tipping point of heaviness of life
where hope sinks rather than floats


one of the hallmarks of human evolution was tool making
so people who can extract hope out of their belief in the supernatural
are doing mentally what our prehistoric ancestors did physically
 
 
the thing you can take away from people
that will do the most long term harm
is hope


hope's morbidity is more sour than its death

 
the truth is, we are really only in one of three roads
hope, dope, or rope


in the game of loss of hope
psychiatrists are like safeties
trying to reach the running back
after he got past everyone else

  • Music Purple Motion - When the Heavens Fall

round

5/15/21 10:47 pm

people say love makes the world go round
but in the moment you are in a romance
love makes the world stop

  • Music Courtney Matz - Pyrite Road